Consider it Pure Joy

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 

because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

James 1:2

Our family is walking through a trial.  We would like to ask you to walk alongside us and pray for us as we grieve the loss of our unborn child.  

This past Friday, I went to see my midwife for a routine checkup.  The girls love coming to my appointments with me and were really excited since the midwife usually allows them to help out with the doppler.  The midwife pulled out the doppler and spent a long time searching for the baby's heartbeat.  Eventually, she hooked up their antiquated ultrasound machine and found the baby.  She did see a flicker indicating a heartbeat but was very concerned that the baby didn't seem to be moving at all.  She escorted the girls to the waiting area and discussed with me her concerns that this baby may not have survived.  To further evaluate the situation, she ordered an ultrasound to be performed at an imaging center.  The ultrasound revealed the baby was still alive but not doing well.  Baby's heartbeat was only 60 beats per minute, far below the normal range for ~15 weeks.  The baby was also measuring closer to 12 weeks, or 3 weeks smaller than indicated by my due date.  The midwife told me to call if I had cramping or bleeding over the weekend.  Having neither, we followed up with another ultrasound today, which indicated no heartbeat.  At 15 weeks, our baby is no longer living.  I maintained composure at the imaging center, but the moment I got to my car, the tears started flowing. The drive from the imaging center to my home is only 10 minutes.  Yet so many tears welled up in my eyes during that short time, I almost couldn't see to drive.  

So many crazy thoughts have been running through my mind in trying to find a reason for this:

• Did I run too much?
• Did I drink enough water?
• Did I drink too much Boba?
• Why did I dig out those bushes?
• Why did I sit in the hot tub even for a minute?
• Did I eat enough?
• Did I carry Josiah too much?
• Did I seem ungrateful for a sixth child?
• Does God think I'm a horrible mommy?

I conducted a little bit of research that showed that oftentimes miscarriages are the result of chromosomal abnormalities present at the time of conception.  These abnormalities cause either the mom's body to stop supporting the baby or the baby's body just to shut down.  So, I can reason with myself and release myself from blame for causing this to happen.  

But, then, I am still left with one question.  Why did God allow this to happen to us?  In my devotions with the kids for the past few weeks, we have been studying the life of Joseph.  So many "bad" things happened to Joseph.  His brothers sold him into slavery and reported him as dead to their father.  He was falsely accused of rape and thrown into prison.  He helped others in prison but was forgotten by them.  Yet, Joseph humbly accepted every situation and continued to trust in God.  Why did God allow this to happen to us?  I choose to be like Joseph.  I don't know why this is happening to us, but let me tell you what I do know.  I know that God, my heavenly Father, is loving and wise and good.  Everything that He allows me to go through, the good and the bad, is both for my good and his glory.  I have to believe that He is using this for my good and for His glory.  And, He has not abandoned me and left me to go through this trial alone.  No, He is with me.  In my weakness, He is in fact carrying me every step of the way.  So, I pray that He will indeed bring glory to His name and enable me to persevere.