Christian Dating Panel Questions

It happened again!  We were asked to be members of a panel discussion, and, in a moment of weakness, actually agreed to participate.  So, here I am again, writing this post to to try to clarify what I really meant to say. This time the panel discussion was about Christian dating.  Pastor Mark sent us a list of potential discussion questions ahead of time.  When I first glanced at the list, I was really intimidated about being on the panel.  David and I are about to celebrate our 13th wedding anniversary, so it's been a looooong time since we've been anywhere close to the dating scene.  It was clear at the event, I think, that our perspective on dating is, well, maybe a tad bit unusual.  There was lots of laughing and looks of surprise when we told our story.  So, when I share my thoughts on these questions, I want to emphasize that this is just my perspective/viewpoint on Christian dating.  

How do you initiate a relationship?  What does initiating look like?  

Well, I think there isn't a right way or a wrong way to go about initiating a relationship really.  I think it usually starts with a guy asking a girl to go out and do something, though!  For the girls, I recommend waiting for the guy to initiate even if you are interested.  You can read more about this below.  If you get to the point of wanting to pursue dating one person exclusively, I think it's wise to talk to your leaders and find out what they think of the person.  

What should be the reason to compel you to initiate? 

Basically, I think if you would like to be married someday, then you should try to get to know some people of the opposite sex.  If you don't want to get married, don't initiate a relationship.  The point of Christian dating is for Christian marriage.  

How do I know I’m ready to date?  

I don't think any of us ever feel "ready" to date.  Just like we don't feel "ready" to marry or "ready" to have children.  That said, I think one of the best pieces of advice that we received when dating was this: Don't look to your boyfriend/girlfriend to solve your problems.  Our first and primary relationship should be with the Lord.  If dating is interfering with your relationship with the Lord, then I'd say you're probably not yet ready.  Back off the dating and build your relationship with the Lord.  

What kind of guy/ girl should I be looking for? 

The number one qualification you should look for is a Christian, a genuine follower of Christ.  Okay, so that doesn't narrow the playing field too much, huh?  Additionally, I would say for the ladies, take a look at the qualifications for elders and deacons found in 1 Timothy 3.  For the gentlemen, take a look at the attributes of the woman described in Proverbs 31.  To be really, really clear, outward appearance and charisma are not important.  What really matters is the beauty within.  To make this even more practical, some things to consider:

1. What does this person do with his/her free time?
2. What does this person talk about?
3. Is this person a hard worker or lazy?
4. How does this person make decisions?

How much does compatibility matter? 

Honestly, I don't think compatibility is that important for Christians.  If we love the Lord and are committed to serving HIm, then love for one another will result.  As an example, David and I come from completely different backgrounds.  I was public schooled; he was homeschooled.  I ate lots of processed foods; he pretty much ate whole foods exclusively.  I spent a lot of time at the mall or in front of the t.v.; he spent a lot of time backpacking and playing in the creek.  I could go on and on.  Nonetheless, there is no one that I agree with more.  We have never argued about money or parenting but totally see eye to eye on those things, but I believe that is really a result of our love for the Lord and desire to honor Him with our money and our parenting.  

Is there one God has chosen for me? Is soul mate a real thing? 

I really liked Elder Joe's response to this when we were chatting beforehand.  Yes, there is one God has chosen for you.  The one to whom you said, "I do."  I don't believe in the whole soul mate concept.  If David and I had dated for longer and spent considerable time questioning whether we were truly one another's soul mates, we probably would not have gotten married and that would have been a huge mistake.  The point of Christian marriage is not about completing ourselves, but it is about serving the Lord together.  The question should not be, "Is this my soul mate?"  The question should be, "Can I serve the Lord better with this person than I can as a single person?"  

How do you become content while still wanting to get married?

I was 26 when David and I married, so I spent a number of years desiring to be married with no prospects in sight.  I understand it's difficult to be content while you are waiting.  It's tempting to think, "Life kind of stinks right now...If only I were married, it would be so much better."  Don't believe that!  No matter where we are in life, Satan is always tempting us to be discontent with the lot that God has chosen for us.  Again, trying to be practical, a few things that I did during my single, non-dating years are:

1. I focused on building my relationship with the Lord.  When you are single, you have lots of free time.  Spend extra time with the Lord, studying His word, praying to Him, memorizing His word.  This will be a great treasure chest that you can draw from later when your free time is not as plentiful.  I consider being able to have quiet time with the Lord an incredible luxury.  Yes, I can spend time with the Lord, but it is almost never quiet!
2. I served in the church.  When we are single wanting to be married, we have a choice to make.  We can either drown in self pity or we can take our eyes off of ourselves and serve our brothers and sisters in need.  I sought out relationships with people in our church who needed help.  I would take dinner to people who were ill, clean and iron for a woman who had severe back pain, babysit so that a female worship leader could attend practice, help people with yardwork, etc.  

What does dating mean? 

I wasn't quite sure about this question, but my definition of a date is two people doing something together.  But just because someone asks you to go out, don't assume you're an item!

What is the goal of dating?  

The goal of dating is to find a spouse.  In Genesis God made a helper for Adam, for he said that it was not good for man to live alone.  

Is there a distinction between going out on a date, unofficial dating, being in a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, etc?

Yes!  At least we found there to be one and, for us, it was a pretty natural progression.  We started out by dating different people casually, just trying to get to know one another and others.  Then, we decided to just date one another.  Then, we began considering marriage.  Then, we got married.  I think the distinctions are fairly important, too, because as your relationship increases in seriousness, so also does your openness.  Obviously, there are also different degrees of commitment in these stages as well.  That said, it is important to emphasize that lifelong commitment begins when you say "I do." 

Commitment vs No strings attached? Where’s the balance?  

I think the guys should feel free to ask a girl out with the intention of getting to know her more.  The girl should not take this "date" as the guy committing to be girlfriend/boyfriend.  At the same time, you can't casually date forever.  The point of this, after all, is to find a spouse.  If this is not a person you see yourself marrying, then either don't extend further invitations or don't accept them. 

How much should I tell a girl when asking her out or during the relationship?

Ummm...well, not very much.  Take it easy and don't scare her off on the first date.  During the relationship, I think God will give you wisdom about what to say when.  It is good to be upfront and honest. When you get to the point in your dating relationship of  thinking seriously about marrying one another, I believe it's important for full disclosure.  That is the time to reveal past sins that may affect your marital relationship or sins that you will likely continue to struggle with in the marriage.  

We have an idea of male leadership, how does this look in dating relationship?  Does a guy have authority to expect the girl to submit? 

NO!  Submission begins when the couple says, "I do."  That said, the guy should demonstrate leadership in the dating relationship.  Some ways that he might display this are:

1. Be the one to initiate the relationship and its progression.
2. Establish appropriate boundaries for physical contact.
3. Decide or at least have ideas for what to do together.

If a girl likes a guy, how should she show that she is interested?  Or should she at all? 

I honestly don't think this is wise.  God's design for marriage is that the man leads and the woman submits.  I really don't think you want to start out a relationship in a position where the woman is leading.  I think it's better to just let your feelings be known to the Lord and wait for His timing. 

What are some criteria for a ending a relationship?  

Since the point of Christian dating is Christian marriage, if you find that you do not want to marry this person, then you should end the relationship.  I do believe, though, that ending a relationship should not be taken lightly.  We are all sinners, so seeing a particular sin and realizing that this person is not perfect should not be what causes you to end the relationship.  On the one hand, it shouldn't be taken lightly; on the other hand, we should be able to handle a breakup with grace.  

When are you giving wrong signals? If you think they like you, but you don’t like them, how do you maturely handle that? 

Don't try to be nice and not hurt their feelings.  Just tell them. It's kind of like taking off a band-aid.  It stings at first but the sting goes away.

As a girl how do you find contentment if the guy that you like shows no shared interest? 

You will never find contentment in a guy. True rest is found in Christ and Christ alone.  We have to accept and believe with all our heart that God loves us and works all things for our good.  If a guy you like does not like you back, then God's good, perfect and pleasing will for you is not to marry that guy no matter how much you may like him now.  See my answer above to finding contentment while waiting to marry.

How does a girl attract a guys attention? In a godly way?? or at all? 

Don't do it.  Our interest should be in bringing attention the the Lord!  Happiness is not found in any guy but only in Christ. Instead of focusing your attention on attracting a guy, focus your attention on serving the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.  You want a guy to be attracted to your godly character, not your looks or clothes.