Desire for Acceptance

I think the desire to belong is inherent to human nature.  Likewise, feeling like we don't belong can be devastating.  This week I experienced such a devastating blow. In a matter of minutes, a few critical comments piled up into an insurmountable pile of emotional baggage, leaving me to feel unwelcome where I once felt welcome, unaccepted where I once felt accepted, and unloved where I once felt loved.  

Most people possess a stronger sense of determination to fight, but, in the presence of this emotional enemy, I completely wilted. I was so taken aback when heretofore friends turned to seeming foes that I quickly spiraled downward into a very deep slough. The situation went over and over in my mind again and again, with heightened pain at each recurrence. It was as if I could not think of anything else. I had trouble accomplishing even the basic tasks necessary to maintain my household, like cooking, cleaning, and laundry.  I frequently snuck away to my bathroom to cry hoping my kids wouldn't notice my red swollen eyes and tear-stained cheeks. I lost interest in things that I typically enjoy like running or taking my kids to the park and threw the diet I ordinarily follow so conscientiously out the window. Whenever David was available, I took advantage of the opportunity to "nap" or rather to lay in bed crying bitterly until I finally fell asleep. Feeling more and more like the situation was completely hopeless, I began to protect myself from any more pain by withdrawing more and more from others.

Needless to say, it was very difficult for me to go to church today. I was such a mess of pain and confusion, but I've pretty much mastered the art of disguise over the years. I was pretty much able to keep the sermon at arm's length until the point of application.  Pastor Peter asked us to reflect on what the resurrection means for us. He shared how he had moved around so much and never belonged anywhere until he met Christ. Then, he knew where he belonged: he had become a citizen of heaven. Suddenly, I realized that the agony and torment I had been experiencing were because I was looking for acceptance in the wrong place. When I put my faith in Christ, he transferred me from the kingdom of this earth to the kingdom of heaven. I do belong in Christ's kingdom, and He will never leave me or forsake me. 

I am not placing my hope in the approval of others. Instead, I am placing all my hope in the inheritance described in 1 Peter 1: 3-5:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading,kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. 

And, lastly, I just want to close with the words of a praise song that came to mind as I was reflecting on this desire for acceptance today:

I will change your name 

You shall no longer be called

Wounded, outcast 

Lonely or afraid

I will change your name

Your new name shall be 

Confidence, joyfulness 

Overcoming one 

Faithfulness, friend of God 

One who seeks my face.

A Bit of Honesty

Thank you for being so supportive and lifting us up to the Lord in prayer during this time of trial. As I meditated on the death of our unborn child, my heart rejoiced at knowing that our child went to be with the Lord. It is wonderful to think of him or her being with God in heaven, a place free of sin and pain and death.  The more I thought about our child in heaven, though, this joyfulness was intermingled with sadness.  My hopes of worshiping God together with my child were dashed as I contemplated what little I knew about our child. The baby didn't live long enough for us to find out if it was a boy or a girl.  The only glimpses that we saw were the ultrasound images, which showed something resembling an alien more than an actual human being.  We never got to hold our baby and gaze into its eyes and comb its hair.  We don't know if it would have had blue or green eyes, red or blonde hair. There was no special feature that I could use to distinguish my child from any others in heaven.  How would I ever recognize my child?  I struggled and struggled with this question in my thoughts, too embarrassed to actually express my concerns to anyone lest they really see how small and weak my faith really is.  On Saturday, I lay in bed crying and crying and praying silently, when my husband came in and asked me why I was crying (and why I wasn't tending to our children).  At that point, I was so desperate for an answer that I just blurted everything out between wails. David was very gentle with me and didn't rebuke me for my lack of faith, but simply asked, "Who is our child with right now?"  OK, I knew the answer to that one, "Well, God."  "And God knows all things, right?  (rhetorical question...he didn't even give me the opportunity to answer!) God is going to make sure you know your child.  You will be able to worship God together!" I really believe that David was the Lord's messenger to me that day and that the Lord used him to bring comfort to me.

The way David handled this situation reminded me of something I read recently.  The day before we found out that our baby was not doing well, David gave me the evening off.  One of the things I did during that time was to go to Cha for Tea to read my Bible.  One verse I read that evening was Matthew 11:29. Jesus says, "...learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart..."  I must have read this passage many times in my Christian life before, but, on this particular night, I questioned, "Why does Jesus describe himself this way?"  I couldn't find anything helpful online.  I was so troubled that I couldn't sleep, so I looked this verse up in a commentary.  This is what Matthew Henry says,

He is meek and can have compassion on the ignorant, whom others would be in a passion with. Many able teachers are hot and hasty, which is a great discouragement to those who are dull and slow; but Christ knows how to bear with such, and to open their understandings. His carriage towards his twelve disciples was a specimen of this; he was mild and gentle with them, and made the best of them; though they were heedless and forgetful, he was not extreme to mark their follies.

Finding Joy

It's no surprise to many of you that my husband travels for work quite a bit.  'Tis the life of a professor, speaking at other universities and conferences and working with distant collaborators.  Sometimes, my attitude about David's work trips is okay, well, at least not that bad.  At other times, like this past week, it can be really crummy.  David went off to Telluride, Colorado to run a conference.  The conference was designed so that there was plenty of free time in the afternoons to enjoy the beautiful surroundings.  I knew I should be really happy that David could get out and do something he really loves, hike and run on trails, but, in all honesty, I wasn't.  I was really, really mad.  I was mad that I was missing out on things because he had to go on this trip.  The fact that he actually could enjoy it was like rubbing salt in my wounds!  Okay, normally, my reaction to his travels is not this, well, extreme, but there were special circumstances this time,

My grandpa died and his memorial service was held on Tuesday of this week.  Going would mean flying with all five kids (three of them requiring car seats on the plane) from California to Pennsylvania.  Maybe some of you are brave enough or sentimental enough to do that.  Not me.  It was also the week of our church's VBS.  That's exciting, right?  Of course it is.  But, my three boys go to bed by 8pm, and VBS ends at 8:30 pm, so although I really wanted to be able to be there for the assembly time and especially the carnival on the last day, I just could not make that happen logistically.  I know some of you probably would have just said, "Ah, the boys will be a little tired, it's ok."  There are three of them, ages three and under, and they're really, really loud.  Plus, I really value my sleep.  A lot.  I was simply disappointed that I couldn't be there.

But, the point of this post is not to complain.  It is to say that my husband left and I was mad, but I knew that God did not want me to spend my week grumbling and complaining and making him feel really guilty for traveling.  So, I asked God to help me to find joy in my week.  I tried to capture some pictures to help me remember the joyful moments.  The week was not all joyful bliss.  There were lots of potty accidents to clean up.  At least two plates were broken.  There was the typical bickering and talking back.  I could go on and on, but God helped me with these pictures to focus on the joyful moments of my week and thank him for this wonderful family he has given me and the many opportunities I have to teach them about Jesus and what He did on the cross for me!

On Sunday, Josiah ate his first s'mores!  He like it a lot!

On Monday, I took the kids to Pretend City.  Thanks for the coupons, Mama Esther!

Matthew had so much fun pretending to be a fireman!

So did Jonathan!

Maggie played with the boys in the garden.  Mary had a lot of fun, too, but she was mostly off doing her own thing, so I didn't get any pictures of her:(  The kids thought the best part was riding the shuttle back to our car, ha, ha!

On Tuesday, our mommy small group got together for lunch.  The girls had fun playing hide and seek with Isaiah.

On Tuesday, the girls' flower girl dresses arrived, too!  They are so excited for Cousin Chealsee's wedding!

On Wednesday, my friend Denise came over with her daughter Misha.  Denise and I talked about homeschooling while Mary and Maggie taught Misha everything they know about being princesses and taking care of babies!  That evening, another friend, Esther, brought me Boba and udon and we shared a time of meaningful fellowship after the boys went to sleep!

On Thursday, I took the kids hiking in UCI's Open Preserve.  We hiked from our house all the way to the botanical gardens.  It was fairly narrow and steep in some spots, which made it a little tricky with Josiah in the stroller, but we all made it!

It was a really hot day, so everyone was really excited to find this fountain in the gardens.  The water was so cool and refreshing!  I don't have a picture of this, but two friends surprised me that evening with boba!  YUM!

On Friday, we went to a Splash Pad and got wet and sandy!

Mary's approach was to stand on top of the sprayer!

Cute Maggie!

The sin of discontent is so pervasive. If we are not careful, it seeps in and takes every joy away. God is teaching me that joy is serving him where he has me. Right now, he has me in the home serving my family. I don't serve them because they appreciate it. I don't serve them because they deserve it. I serve them because by serving them I am serving Christ, who voluntarily gave his life to bring me back into fellowship with God.

Abiding in Christ

Well, here I am, once again sharing my heart with you.  Actually, the content of this post has been on my heart for well over a month now, but I just haven't taken the time to share how God has been encouraging me with His word. 

Honestly, I have been feeling very anxious about having another baby.  Many days, I feel really overwhelmed with the four children God has entrusted into my care.  I can't even imagine what it is going to be like to add another child to the mix.  If all goes well, Matthew and Jonathan will have celebrated their second birthday around the time that the baby is born.  There are two and half years between our other children.  Although six months does not sound like much time, there is a huge difference between a two year old and a two and a half year old, especially when you factor in the developmental delays typically seen in twins.

Although Matthew and Jonathan understand a lot more than they let on, they can only say four intelligible words: Mama, Daddy, no (accompanied by an entire body shake), and slide.  To really understand the rest of their words, you need the M-J dictionary: shu is truck, ba is cup, esh is trash, ady is bike, ola is stroller, suh is stuck, sah is sock and so on.  They do not know one baby sign, unless you count a wave for bye-bye.   

Raising twins is really challenging.  I am to blame for some of Matthew's and Jonathan's developmental delays because I have chosen the easy route.  One example: I still spoon-feed them most of their meals.  The times I have allowed them to feed themselves with utensils, the food has ended up on the floor.  I frequently opt to spoon-feed to avoid having to clean up a big mess times two afterwards.  Now, I am thinking ahead a few weeks and realize that spoon-feeding twins while caring for an infant is going to be really difficult.

I have resigned myself to the fact that I am just going to have three children in diapers at the same time.  This is again where six months makes a huge difference!  Mary was fully potty-trained by the time Maggie was born.  Maggie was fully potty-trained by the time Matthew and Jonathan were born.  Matthew and Jonathan will not be potty-trained by the time the baby is born.  They are not ready.  I am not ready.  I can admit that.  I am not going to enter into a battle now that will only result in one frustrated mama and two frustrated boys. 

Thinking about these things made me begin to feel anxious about the birth of this baby.  How could I possibly feel more overwhelmed than my current state???  Then, in early January, our pastor revealed the focus for this year:

Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.  I am the vine; you are the branches.  Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.  John 15:4-5

God really encouraged me through these verses.  He is an all-powerful God, the Creator of the universe.  It is He who makes me fruitful.  The fruit comes as a result of abiding in him, not of having children who can speak intelligibly, feed themselves or use the toilet.  I can't say that anxious thoughts about adding another little one don't still creep into my head from time to time. But when they do, I remember these verses and bring my anxieties to the Lord and ask him to bear fruit through me! 

I Just Stay at Home

Since moving to Irvine, I have had the opportunity to meet many new people.  Upon meeting, conversation seems to naturally progress to the topic of what one does for a living.  When asked what I do, I have repeatedly heard my response: "I just stay at home."  Did you cringe?  I do every single time because of one word: just. 

There are probably many ways one can interpret my response, but I want to discuss two.  Oftentimes, we think of home as the antithesis to work.  Work is the place for, well, work.  Home is the place for rest.  To say, "I just stay at home," could have the meaning, "I do not work." It is easy for me to understand where this idea comes from, having worked in a very demanding job for seven years.  When I came home, I left the work-related stresses behind (or at least I tried to) and enjoyed some peace and quiet.  I'm sure some people I have met could easily picture me lounging around in my PJs with a mocha in one hand, a pleasure book in another, and bon-bons within reach. 

Another way to interpret my response is a comparison of degrees.  "You do something very important and noble in your work.  You save lives.  Me?  I could never do anything like that.  I just stay at home."

Staying at home is hard work.  There are stresses and, sometimes, it seems that there is no safe retreat from them!  With four children six and under, my house is only quiet when everyone is eating or sleeping!  Some days my children repeatedly disobey and do not seem to respond to discipline.  Unlike in the work situation, I cannot and will not ask them to seek a position elsewhere.  Some days, there is conflict after conflict after conflict.  We have difficulty sharing toys, Mama, food, space, pretty much everything.   Even though our reading lesson was on words with ur as in church, my child still sounds out the word "fur" incorrectly and I wonder if she will ever get it.  Probation reports?  We don't have them and if we did, what penalty would there be for not meeting probation?  Often, I feel overwhelmed with the task before me.  I see character that needs molding, but the reality is that my character needs molding, too.  There is no owner's manual that tells me what to say or do to produce the desired effect in my children or what to do when said child malfunctions!

Moreover, I believe from the Scriptures that God places a high value on the teaching and training of our children.  Although our society may not recognize its value as a vocation, God certainly does.  In Deuteronomy 6:6-7, we read, "And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.  You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise."  Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." Staying at home with our children is important and noble work.

(Lest anyone misinterpret what I am trying to say, I want to be very, very clear.  I am not trying to say that I think every mom should stay at home or that every mom should homeschool.  I believe that God has a unique and special calling for each of us.  This is what He has called us to at this point in time, but I am not trying to say that I believe He has called you to the same task.) 

True confessions, some days I do stay in my PJs until noon, but that's because at least one of kids was up at the crack of dawn and there was not a moment to take a shower until naptime.  Mornings are usually so busy getting breakfast and brushing teeth and hair and making beds and putting PJs away and starting school and getting second breakfast and then snack and then...sometimes, by the time I remember to drink my tea, it's already cold. 

Being a stay at home, homeschooling mom is not easy, but I will always remember a saying on a poster my dad had in his work-out room: No pain, no gain!  And, since God has called me to this task, I know that He helps me.  When I don't know what to say or do, He guides me.  When I am frustrated, He encourages me.  When I am overwhelmed, He supports me!  In recognition of this, that child-rearing is important to God if not to society, I am adjusting my response from: "I just stay at home, " to: "I stay at home!" 

No Pain, No Gain

First of all, I want to thank you all for reading my crazy, eclectic, inconsistent blog!  Lately, I have had lots of ideas swirling around in my head, but I may be slow in posting because life is pretty busy these days.  Today, we officially sold our house in New Orleans!  Yay!  A huge answer to prayer!  We are moving to our new house on Tuesday.  There are boxes everywhere!  This past week, we attempted to cram two weeks of schoolwork into one, since I expect next week to be busy with moving, shelf lining, grout sealing, unpacking, reorganizing a couple times, and visiting with Nana, Papa, and Uncle Luke!  And, to top it off, I had two doctor's appointments this week and a Home Birth Details Class.  When is my mommy conference???

In the midst of all this busyness, God has been speaking to me about trials, maybe because we aren't going through any right now!  Recently, I saw something on Facebook having to do with fertility issues that some women experience.  The tone of it was that no woman deserves to have a miscarriage or the inability to conceive a child.  This hit a soft spot with me.  Miscarriage?  Been there...twice.  Unable to conceive?  Been there...thrice.  Were those experiences painful?  Yes, definitely!

On the other hand, God used those experiences for my good.  When David and I were struggling with our desire to have a child, God showed me that his purposes for my life were not the same as my purposes.  I was looking for the external things, but God was concerned with my heart and molding me more and more into the image of Christ.  God encouraged me through my pastor to emulate Mary's attitude and say, "I am the Lord's servant."  God's message to me was to serve Him.  Serve Him with children.  Serve Him without children.  Serve Him.  This impacted us so much that we chose to name our first child Mary.  

That experience was hard, but our experience with our boys brought me to even lower points.  Pretty soon after Matthew and Jonathan's birth, Jonathan was admitted into the NICU.  He was having difficulty transitioning from the womb to the outside world.  He needed oxygen, IV fluids, a feeding tube, etc.  It was really painful to see him in the NICU.  His face was swollen; he had tubes everywhere; and he was stationary, not the same little guy that was constantly kicking and pushing at my ribs!  In the beginning, I could not hold him let alone nurse him because he was struggling so much to breathe (and I certainly didn't want to interfere with his care!)  During our stay in the hospital, I was pretty much a fountain of tears.

Matthew, on the other hand, was teeny but healthy.  So we thought.  We took him home but left Jonathan in the NICU.  Matthew's first check-up was somewhat of a horrific experience. We waited for an hour to see the doctor only to find out the doctor wasn't actually in the office.  Once she finally arrived, she was very concerned about Matthew.  Not only was he under four pounds, but he was also yellow!  He was admitted that evening to a separate hospital for jaundice.  We watched them insert a catheter into his teeny body and draw what seemed like too much blood from his body.  Then, the doctor wanted to perform a spinal tap to test for meningitis and asked us to leave the room.  David and I sat alone in the waiting room for what seemed like an eternity.  We felt all alone, but we know without a doubt that we weren't alone.  Our loving Father was with us.  We prayed to Him.  We prayed for Matthew.  We prayed for Jonathan.  We prayed for the doctors at Children's Hospital.  We prayed for the doctors at Touro Hospital.  God was with us during our most difficult hour.  He heard so many prayers lifted up for our boys.  Now, when I look at the boys, I cannot help but be reminded by what an awesome prayer-hearing, loving, almighty God we serve.  Sure, these experiences were painful ones, but I do not regret going through them now because of the eternal lessons that God has taught me.

I am going to end this post with my favorite hymn, which sums up my viewpoint on trials:

Like a river glorious is God's perfect peace,
Over all victorious in its bright increase;
Perfect, yet it floweth fuller every day,
Perfect, yet it groweth deeper all the way.
Stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blessed,
Finding as he promised, perfect peace and rest.

Hidden in the hollow of his blessed hand,
Never foe can follow, never traitor stand;
Not a surge of worry, not a share of care,
Not a blast of hurry, touch the spirit there.
Stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blessed,
Finding as he promised, perfect peace and rest.

Every joy or trial falleth from above,
Traced upon our dial by the Sun of Love.
We may trust him fully all for us to do;
They who trust him wholly find him wholly true.
Stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blessed,
Finding as he promised, perfect peace and rest.

The Beauty of Silence!

Recently, I have been spending some time meditating on Ephesians 4:29:

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

I think through this verse God is telling us to think before we speak.  Satan is real and he is active.  And what does he most want to do?  Divide!  He wants to stir up conflict and quarrels and hatred and discord.  I think that he's especially good at doing this through careless speech.  When we fail to think before we speak, we are liable to say something hurtful, either intentionally or unintentionally.  Sometimes, it is better to sit with someone in silence!

Now, please don't hear me wrong.  There is definitely a time when we need to say even uncomfortable things to one another.  If we see our brother sinning, then we are supposed to go to him and show him his fault.  Sure, this is really awkward, but it is necessary and helpful for building one another up in the faith! 

I am talking about expressing our opinions about things not specifically addressed in the Bible, areas in which Christians can differ.  We could do a world of good by taking time before airing our opinions on such disputable matters, especially when our opinion is unsolicited.  Opinions are just that opinions.  God created and formed each one of us in a distinctly unique and special and valuable way.  To think that we know the best way for every person to do something negates this very idea!  We may have figured out the best way for us to do something, but if we are all unique individuals, why would we think it is the best way for that other person over there who is nothing like me to complete this task?

I could probably share countless examples from my personal life where I have said something and thought afterwards, "Uggghhhh! Why did I say that?"  But, I think I'll limit myself to just one.  The other day, my husband was making oatmeal for breakfast.  (He is so wonderful to take care of breakfast most mornings so that I can exercise on my elliptical machine!)  Of course, he didn't do things the same way I would have.  I let him know about my "better" way of doing things.  The question is why.  Why did I even feel the need to tell him about my "better" way?  Was it because I care about his efficiency in oatmeal preparation?  Was it to boost my ego by proving that I can do something better?  The answers to these questions can produce some shocking and, as the case may be, ugly revelations concerning our hearts!

Since I am kind of an all-or-nothing sort of person, thinking about this makes me want to just zip my lips permanently.  But, that's not what this verse says either.  We are still supposed to talk to one another.  We need one another.  We need to build one another up!  We need to be built up by one another!  How can we do this?  I think a big hurdle to overcome is realizing that silence is okay.  There's the saying, "Speak your mind."  Well, I don't think we need to do it.  I don't need to know every thought you have.  You don't need to know every thought I have.  Instead, it may be helpful to prayerfully consider some questions before we open our mouths, such as:

• Why do I want to say this?  
• Will this be helpful or hurtful?  
• Am I trying to show how great I am?
• Will what I say build this person up or bring them down?  
• Is this my personal opinion or preference or is this something the Bible speaks to?
• Has this person asked me what I think about xxx?
• Does the Holy Spirit want me to say this? 

In doing so, let's build one another up:)

Jehovah-Jireh, The Lord Will Provide

Of late, I have been seeing firsthand the reality of God as Jehovah-Jireh, The Lord Will Provide.  At birth, one of our twin boys, Matthew, weighed 4 pounds 3 ounces.  Despite this low birth weight, he was otherwise healthy and, unlike his brother, Jonathan, was not admitted to the NICU.  Shortly after being discharged from the hospital, however, his weight had fallen to 3 pounds 13 ounces and he was jaundiced.  After a five-day stay at Children's Hospital, we were able to bring him home.

The doctors have always monitored his weight very closely.  He has continued to be small but seemed to be following his own growth curve...until recently.  From month three to month four, the little guy only gained 5 ounces, weighing in at 9 pounds 8.5 ounces.  Our doctor always gives us a record of the height, weight, head circumference, and percentiles for each of the boys.  Matthew's says <<5%.

Upon the doctor's advice, we scheduled an appointment with the lactation consultant at the hospital where he was born.  I was so happy that we got an appointment with Shannon because she also is a mother of twins!  First, she weighed Matthew.  Then, I nursed Matthew and Jonathan together for a good 45 minutes.  Then, she weighed him again.  He only took in two ounces!  She concluded that he was an inefficient nurser and recommended that we supplement him with breastmilk from a bottle following each feeding.

Since then, his growth has improved.  At five months, he now weighs 10 pounds 13.5 ounces!  I rented a hospital pump and now pump after each feeding.  It's a lot of work.  I nurse the boys together, then feed Matthew his bottle, then pump.  Then, I clean everything and get ready to start all over again.  In between, there are diaper changes and clothing changes and housework and shopping and schooling and laundry.

I know I could just supplement with formula, but I do believe that breastmilk is God's perfectly designed nutrition for babies.  Here's where the importance of trusting that God is Jehovah-Jireh comes in.  I am feeding him 2 ounces, but I am not always able to pump 2 ounces of milk.  The supply of frozen breastmilk is dwindling.  Every time I go to pump, I pray and ask God to provide enough milk for my baby.  This has been a really difficult and challenging experience for me.  You may have noticed from my shopping posts that I am a planner and a stockpiler.  We do not now, nor have we ever, lived from paycheck to paycheck.  We did go through a brief period where we had a negative net income.  Even then, we still had savings in the bank to draw upon.  We also knew our situation was only temporary--it was only until David found a faculty position.  This situation is different.  My stockpile is almost depleted.  Yet, I believe that God wants me to breastfeed my children.  I am not going to throw in the towel.  I am going to call upon the name of God.  I am going to call upon Jehovah-Jireh to provide!

The Ground Song

This wonderful hymn has been running through my head all day, so I thought I would pass it along.

Now I have found the ground wherein
sure my soul's anchor may remain--
the wounds of Jesus, for my sin,
before the world's foundation, slain;
whose mercy shall unshaken stay
when heaven and earth are fled away.

Father, thine everlasting grace
our scanty thought surpasses far.
Thy heart still melts with tenderness,
thine arms of love still open are,
returning sinners to receive
that mercy they may taste and live.

O, Love, thou bottomless abyss,
my sins are swallowed up in thee!
Covered is my unrighteousness
nor spot of guilt remains on me,
while Jesus' blood, through earth and skies,
mercy, free, boundless mercy cries!

With faith I plunge me in this sea,
here is my hope, my joy, my rest;
Hither, when hell assails, I flee,
I look into my Savior's breast;
away, sad doubt, and anxious fear,
mercy is all that's written there!

Though waves and storms go o'er my head,
though strength and health and friends be gone,
though joys be withered all and dead,
though every comfort be withdrawn,
on this my steadfast soul relies--
Father, thy mercy never dies!

Fixed on this ground will I remain,
though my heart fail and flesh decay;
this anchor shall my soul sustain
when earth's foundations melt away;
mercy's full power I then shall prove,
loved with an everlasting love.

Key: G, by Johann Andreas Rothe (tr. John Wesley), David Marshall, 1927

The Witness of Compassion

On Thursday, I was busy doing the vacuuming and I asked Mary to go in and clean out the cat litter pan.  She did it and came back to me and said that she stubbed her toe.  Since I was busy vacuuming, I just quickly told her that she would be ok and continued on with my vacuuming.  When I finished with the vacuuming I heard the sound of sobs and found her crying on the couch.  I asked her what happened and she told me that she had hurt her toe.  My heart sank.  I failed.  She came and told me that she was hurt and I just blew it off.  I told her I was very sorry that I hadn't listened to her earlier and examined her toe.  Now, we generally have a rule in our house.  No blood, no bandaid.  However, this time, I made an exception.  We went in to the bathroom and got a special bandaid, you know the kind that is really pretty but doesn't really stop bleeding.  Fortunately, there was no actual bleeding to stop.  That did the trick.  Mary's toe was absolutely 100% better.

I have been challenged in thinking how I failed to represent Christ to my child with this lack of compassion.  Is that the way that God treats me?  No!  Whenever I come to Him even with a small concern, He listens to me and comforts me.  He does not blow me off but takes the time to listen to me!  The Bible says that Jesus had compassion on the crowds (Matthew 9:36, 14:14).  He also had compassion on two blind men and healed them (Matthew 20:34).  James tells us that the Lord is full of compassion and mercy (James 5:11).  Paul writes, "Be kind and compassionate to one another..." (Ephesians 4:32) and also "clothe yourselves with compassion..." (Colossians 3:2).  Jesus was compassionate.  I am to reflect the image of Christ.  Therefore, I am to be compassionate.  I was not.

Does it end there?  Thank God it does not.  Certainly if God commands that we do something, He will help us to do it.  Paul tells us, "...for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose" (Philippians 2:13).  I am encouraged to seek God's help this week to be more compassionate and so reflect the heart of God to my children.  I am encouraged to listen to their concerns when they come to me, to try to understand them, and to help them to deal with them in a godly way.

Mundane or Meaningful?

As a stay-at-home mom, my days are certainly filled with seemingly mundane tasks.  There are diapers to change, stains to remove from clothes (and walls and furniture), coupons to be clipped, scrapes to be cleaned and bandaged, dishes to be washed, not to mention the endless requests for drinks and snacks!  Is there meaning or significance in any of this?  Too often I am prone to think there is not. 

Paul writes, "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God" (1 Corinthians 10:31).  All of life is worship!  I am going to repeat that: ALL of life is worship!  When I change a diaper, I can worship God.  When I wash the dishes, I can worship God.  When I make food for my family, I can worship God.  I can even clip coupons to the glory of God!

I tend to think that I am serving God when I teach Sunday School but not when I act out stories with teddy bear counters.  I tend to think that I am serving God when I serve dinner at church but not when I serve peanut butter and honey sandwiches to my kiddos.  I tend to think that I worship God when I write a check to the church but not when I write a check for the water bill.  What Paul says here, though, is that every thing I do can and should be done as an act of worship to God!  YES!  The work that I do at home has eternal significance!  Let's be encouraged and set out this week to do everything for the glory of God!